There has been numerous articles written about how to say no. Some of them either offer a framework on how to reject or reframe an initiative. Some of them encourage business owners to turn down opportunities that don’t fit their value system. Some of them are for relationships where an individual asserts their preferences for better boundaries. But most of them encourage leaders to say no to anything that does not align with their goals.

Many of these articles are very well written and very well researched. Unfortunately, very few of them make a distinction between the type of no that means “No, I won’t” and the type that means “No, you can’t”.

I have been burned by the lack of this nuance many times… Both on the receiver end and also as the nay-sayer leader. I hope I can help you avoid costly mistakes to your team dynamics and your reputation.

When your leader says “no” a lot

It is quite possible that your leader or your manager has read one too many Harvard Business Review articles about the power of saying no. Their behavior might have changed afterwards. If they loved the idea so much, you might have gotten more ‘decline’s to your meetings and might be getting more rejections to your project proposals. This is the small tragedy of how this tiny two-letter word can bring down the spirit of a whole business unless understood properly.

The “No, I won’t”

Let’s first dive into the awesome power of the first type of ‘no.’ The one that your own agency can be asserted in a situation. You can save time, energy, focus and avoid mistakes by saying a kind but firm ‘no’ to anything that distracts you from your goals or values. This is about prioritization and the examples can have a very wide range. Anything from turning down an afterwork in order to feel fresh the next morning to rejecting a job offer that is ornamented with extravagant benefits. They are your own individual choices. But I won’t dive too deep into this type of ‘no’. There has been enough articles, videos and talks about it to last you a lifetime.

The “No, you can’t”

In case you have missed it, we are not working in environments where a manager can tell an employee exactly what they should do and how exactly they should do it. I personally despise it when in team-building activities, someone shows the video of a Formula 1 pit stop as an example of teamwork. This kind of micro-orchestrated and repetitive task is the polar opposite of what a modern leader faces as a challenge.

A pit stop is NOT the kind of teamwork we can reference. Photo by Chegu Sylvester

This means that we all should be embracing the servant leadership concept wholeheartedly and if not now, hopefully soon, become a servant leader that opens doors, keep pipelines clean and avoid unnecessary distractions to their teams. The details of how an individual should do their job cannot be and should not be dictated by a leader, let alone a manager.

The type of working environment I describe makes it very hard to use the second type of no that means “No, you can’t”. And this is a great thing for individuals. They get to chart their own course to overcome challenges and should need your guidance as a leader relatively rarely. Gone are the days of the manager that paces on the catwalk of the production floor, judging your performance by the number of parts you mill.

"Every ‘no’ you utter is a micro-training to people around you."

The No and Your Culture

Culture is a culmination of what gets encouraged and what gets discouraged in an organization. Every ‘no’ you utter is a micro-training to people around you. It gives them the hints about your boundaries and limits as well as your patience and preferences. So the style, occasion and the context that you utter the ‘no’ is just as important as what you are saying the ‘no’ to and the outcome of the endeavor in question. The people you lead need to know that they can trust your judgement. And you will build this trust by your “hit rate” in terms of how many of your rejections were good calls in hind sight.

As a modern leader, you also have to consider the psychological impact of stopping a coworker from attending a workshop across the organization, rejecting their inquiry about speaking at a conference they have been invited to, or simply telling them that they have to use a certain software without explaining the underlying reasons and making sure that they are on the same page. Not a loyal employee but as an eager teammate. It is not only about your reputation as a leader that is at stake but also the psychological safety of the employee facing a dry ‘nay’ without a good explanation.

Letting people make their own mistakes.

Mistakes are amazing learning tools. They grow us like nothing else. If one is mature enough to admit a mistake, it is very likely that they will avoid the same mistake in the future.

When you as a leader use the second type of no that stops people under your leadership from making a mistake, sometimes, you might be stripping them of their agency and their chance to learn. After all, the days of the authoritarian leader is long gone along with the doctors recommending cigarettes.

But despite your best efforts, you might have to stop someone in their tracks with that dreaded “nope!” Then read along.

How to say “No, you can’t”.

Before you say the type of ‘no’ that means “you can’t do that” you must be ready for three things:

Give a very reasonable answer as to why. And this reasoning has to go beyond the rules that your organization has set up. You should even explain why that particular rule was made in the first place.Explain how this decision helps everyone else in the long run by not setting the wrong precedent.Consider whether you can phrase this as a “No, we shouldn’t”. This is a great test to see whether the no can be attributed to the priorities of the organization.Follow up on the quality and the consequences of your decision to stop that action or initiative. Did your ‘no’ serve it’s intended purpose?

The last point is especially important for your own growth. It will increase your hit rate with your decisions in the long run. Following up on passed opportunities is a great way of calibrating yourself with foresight and decision making quality. And remember, you only get a limited number of ‘no’s per year without risking becoming a nay-sayer.

The ‘No’s and Your Choices

In the world of leadership, the word “no” is both powerful and essential. Its proper use defines your boundaries, empowers your decisions, and shapes your leadership style. However, misusing it can hinder your professional life and reputation.

Purposeful use of “no” serves various functions, such as rejecting, slowing down, accelerating, or escaping situations.

Successful leaders emphasize “relationship power” over “role power.” They excel at knowing when to accept and when to reject.

Saying no to a new project when your team is struggling to clean their plate can prevent future troubles for them.

But remember. Slowing down people you lead, or preventing them from making their own mistakes will cause lasting damage to the carefully nurtured relationships you built over years.