One of the sweetest sentences that one can utter is a full, well-deserved, well-timed, slightly spiteful, “I told you so”. Many of us have experienced this moment that we have maybe waited for hours, weeks, sometimes months or even years. At that sweet moment, we have proven ourselves right. We are sure that “no one listened to us then” but “look what happened now”.

The gratifying moment of being right, feeling it and delivering the spiky “I told you so” is usually followed by a feeling of bittersweet victory which turns to a mixture of shame, regret and an urgent need to take these words back — especially after seeing the expression in the eyes of the receiving party. The victorious moment of being right almost never lasts.

Why we care about being right?

They say, “rather be kind than be right”. These are usually words to live by and one of the best ways of being liked is being kind, but I will not dwell on being liked at all. I will rather talk about why being right is the opposite of being successful.

We care about being right because we’d like to feel like our thoughts, ideas, warnings, and predictions need to be listened to and the more we are listened, the higher self-value we bestow upon ourselves. Due to the high-pressure environment of a workplace, almost everything might feel like a competition and competing means, when one party is winning another one is losing. And it feels like winning is how one gets ahead. The truth could not be further away.

An individual’s success in a professional setting mainly depends on how well they collaborate with others, how well they take feedback, how they achieve goals using their relationships and how they build on the collective knowledge of the organization. When winning happens at the expense of others, this is akin to betrayal and can only get you so far unless you are a character in a TV drama.

Good leaders prioritize learning opportunities over scolding opportunities.

The feeling of only you being right would usually mean that someone else was wrong. Especially if you feel the need to say, “I told you so”. This phrase should be erased from your vocabulary if you’d like to get ahead in your career. This applies to leaders and manager specifically. In many cases, good leaders know when to let others make their own mistakes and they prioritize learning opportunities over scolding opportunities.

But imagine a scenario where you stated clearly that a feature would not be liked or used by the customers. Imagine that you have emphasized this point — with clear reasons — several times, perhaps over months, to many people. You finally got tired and became fatigued of this topic and gave up. And now imagine that you are in a retrospective meeting, and everyone is scratching their heads as to why this feature did not take off. Now is the perfect moment to say it, right? Now you deserve to be heard. So that they trust your judgement next time. Right?

Wrong!

But what to do instead? There are several steps to take in a situation like this and all of them require a learning mindset instead of a spiteful and cynical one.

1. What can we learn from this?

If people are showing maturity about the fact that they made a mistake in the past, chances are, they are also willing to learn. Making the topic about learning is not much better than making it about a personal victory. Try to facilitate the question in an honest and constructive way. Ask the group or the person what lessons we can drive from this. And try not to isolate the person of the team that you think “made a mistake”.

2. What can we do differently next time?

If a mistake or mishap has been acknowledged, you can provide a safe space where people can ideate around what can be done differently next time. All organizations and all individuals make mistakes, but it is the learnings from the incidents that stay with people. You can probe into a hypothetical next project where the feature can be researched deeper or wider next time. Or an earlier prototype could prove useful in eliminating risks.

3. Is there an immediate occasion to exercise our learnings?

This is the golden opportunity. If the group is aware, willing, and learning-focused, you can guide the discussion towards picking the next project around the corner as the pilot to try out something different. Perhaps even your own idea that you have been banging on for such a long time. Every failure is an opportunity to get better.

Of course, none of this might be possible where you are. Maybe your past comments were not remembered or recognized? Or the team does not see anything wrong with the status quo at all and you don’t even have the chance to say your piece. What to do then?

In case no one acknowledges your past contributions, feedback, or comments, you need to think about what you could have done differently to make your voice heard. After all there might be something you can improve with your delivery or your communication skills. In rarer cases, people might conveniently “forget” you even commented on the topic or simply try to gaslight you into misremembering your own words. Then, you might be in a toxic environment without knowing it. In that case, you know what to do.

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Being right is like peeing in your pants to get warm. The initial relief can feel priceless, but you are left with a smelly, wet pair of pants and a sense of shame. Whatever happens, try your best to avoid the “I told you so” phrase. It serves no positive purpose to your career, psyche nor your chances of being heard next time.